Love Uniquely & Specifically
It is February and almost Valentine’s Day. At this time of year, traditional expressions of caring are popular. The media and the entertainment industry provide idealized images of lovers exchanging luxury items or dining in lavish restaurants. As appealing as these conventional approaches can be, what if we tried exchanging something very different yet equally beautiful to honor love?
This Valentine’s Day, why not give your thoughts and appreciation as gifts? How often do we take the time to tell significant others – whether lovers, family, or friends – how and why we value them? Do something unique and out of the ordinary by letting those you love know what specifically you find great about them. Here are few ideas to get you started:
- Make a list of things you admire in your loved one
- Share a cherished memory of time spent together
- Fill in the blank, “You are wonderful because_________.”
- Compose a poem featuring the positive attributes of your significant other
- Write a story that illustrates your esteem
- Play (or sing) a favorite song with lyrics that captures how you feel
- Have a conversation where the goal is expressing appreciation
- Say “Thank you” or “I love you” or “I care”
Try one of these simple but powerful suggestions. Most of us have not done this for those we care about in a long time and some of us have yet to try this. Be brave, as it may seem a little awkward to express your feelings, especially if it’s been awhile. Nevertheless, we think the benefits of goodwill will outweigh any initial discomfort you may feel and indeed may motivate you to reach out regularly to let important others know you care. After all, a holiday is not necessary to demonstrate caring.
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What difference could we make in our relationships if we simply told others what we admired about them? Instead of a grand gesture, or traditional or expensive gifts, what if we gave something infinitely sweeter and shared the truth in our hearts? Use this Valentine’s Day as a reason to tell your significant others why they are special – who knows, they may just do the same for you?!
Mapping Your Next Year
Welcome to 2012! Since twelve is a number that crops up all over the place and seems to have some sort of special significance – twelve eggs to a dozen; the twelve tribes of Israel and the twelve Apostles, the twelve signs of the Zodiac; the twelve days of Christmas; the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, the “twelfth of never” – we thought we’d make twelve recommendations for self-discovery for the coming year, one for each of the twelve months in the year. And to make even more of the number twelve, we created our list in acrostic form using two iterations of the letters that spell the word twelve T, W, E, L, V and E.
January: T – Try something new.
February: W – Wonder at the world’s beauty.
March: E – Engross yourself in meaningful activities.
April: L – Let go of baggage – actual and emotional.
May: V – Volunteer to help, formally or informally.
June: E – Envision a brighter future.
July: T – Take a risk.
August: W – Watch and learn.
September: E – Engage with a mentor.
October: L – Listen patiently and actively.
November: V – Vary your routine.
December: E – Excel at being you by simply being yourself!
Start the year off with something fresh, follow that up with an appreciation of what your environment already offers and take advantage of opportunities as they arise. Look across your life and let go of what isn’t working, offer your help to others with your newly available time (remember you let go of what wasn’t working!) and picture where these efforts will take you. Put fear on hold and jump into something where the outcome may be uncertain but the act of trying itself feels rewarding, and pay attention to feedback, guidance, and advice from trusted family, friends and colleagues. End the year alert to options, alive to possibilities and aware of all that you are and can become.
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We found using a pattern of numbers and letters useful as we pondered the year ahead. What systems or frameworks might inspire you to forge a more meaningful life in 2012? How might tapping into them help you to make your self-discovery goals easier to organize and imagine and therefore easier to achieve? Mostly we’d most like to encourage you, not just as your final goal in December, but all year long to focus on living as the real you. Not only is this good for your overall wellbeing but no one else can fulfill this role but you and others may need the authentic “you” much more than you realize!
Back to Basics: How to Make the Holiday Season Truly Bright
In the US and in many other spots around the world, it seems that each year we have become more obsessed with the material trappings of the holiday season. There is a sense of pressure and urgency to buy, spend, and overdo it. The impact may be more intense for those of us who celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah, but it reaches all of us regardless of whether we come from a tradition of exchanging gifts at this time of year or not.
How did we get to this place? We can’t simply blame the marketers, advertisers, and retailers. After all, we staff these organizations and they merely reflect the culture from which they originate. Perhaps we need to examine our motives for following and perpetuating this trend. Perhaps we need to face our personal insecurities telling us that we are not good enough if we don’t buy the latest toy for our children or grandchildren or the latest fashion or gadget for ourselves.
What would happen if we all paused for a moment to ask ourselves what really matters? What might we see if we spent some time contemplating the true nature of giving and receiving? If we did, would we still think we could find meaning and joy at a store or wrapped in a box?
Think about what authentic giving and receiving means to you. Here are some ideas to get you started:
- When interacting with someone you love and who makes you happy is this good feeling generated because you are both wearing the latest fashions while riding together in a brand new luxury car or is it the quality of the conversation?
- When you feel especially close to a friend or family member is this because you have had an expensive dinner at the trendiest restaurant or is it because you have shared something about yourself and encouraged the same intimacy in your companion?
- When thoroughly enjoying an activity with significant others is this because collectively you have an opportunity to impress each or is it because you are appreciating the collaboration that occurs when people feel comfortable being themselves with one another?
We would like to inspire you to throw off the cultural programming that tells you that giving material things is required if you want to be a good friend, parent, lover, spouse, etc. and see that honoring the spirit of the holiday season is more than purchasing things.
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Let’s start a revolution that puts gift-giving in the proper perspective: a lovely symbol of caring that neither replaces the caring itself, nor is a requirement to prove anything to yourself or loved ones. Let’s go back to basics and realize anew that love is the true currency of giving and receiving – what could be brighter than this?!
Are the Costumes or Roles We Wear Wearing Us?
Pirates, black cats, princesses, and vampires to name just a few of the costumes you may have seen on “trick-or-treaters” at your door last week. On Halloween you probably saw costumes that were homemade, some that were handed down, and some that were newly purchased. These costumes may have been very special and gratified a child’s fondest wish, or been thrown together in haste. All of them came with the basic premise that they were to be worn just for a night. If they didn’t fit right, made moving around a challenge, or failed to elicit the expected response, it was a disappointment, but not a big deal. After all they could be rectified with a promise of something better for next year.
Not so for many of us and the roles we have taken to “wearing.” How many of us explore with any regularity the idea that these might not be an ideal fit? How often do we question the continuing appropriateness of roles that were handed down or taken on to make others’ lives easier?
Take a moment to examine one or two of the key roles in your life using the dress-up metaphor. Perhaps there is a way to better tailor existing ones or choose something new in the hope that you might find something with a better fit.
- At the beginning of a challenging day, does donning the “costume” of this role give you strength and confidence? Does it offer features that make you feel at ease and ready for action or does living this role make you feel you uncomfortable and inept?
- When you look in the mirror while dressed for this role, does the reflection show you at your best? Do you see the real you or does the role require you to hide your true self behind a mask?
- If you were to ask others how it is to be around you when you are in this role would they report that the interaction was a treat? Does your presence energize them and help them fulfill their own roles or would they perceive you as just going through the motions without a sense of vitality or integrity?
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If you look at your roles do you see someone else’s expectations or dreams? Do you see something that once seemed great but now doesn’t match who you are? Or do you see a version of Frankenstein – something crudely assembled from whatever was available rather than consciously composed to suit who you are? Think about how you might set about reinventing (or moving beyond) the roles you play with a little time in spent self-discovery. Show yourself you matter by seeking a custom fit!
Embracing Surprise, Welcoming Change
Do you feel as if your life is following a predictable pattern, that you are in a rut of your own design? Does it seem that you are living on autopilot, not really noticing what is happening around you or even that there is a world beyond your usual routine? Sometimes we get so caught up in what we think we know to be true and what we assume is necessary or valuable that we become blind to unexpected gifts and opportunities.
We can end up feeling tired and disconnected, not realizing that we have the capacity to renew our connections to the greater world – the world outside of our habitual beliefs and responses – and embrace the mystery that surrounds us.
What can we do to begin reorient our senses to the myriad of possibilities available? Give these simple suggestions a try.
- Talk to someone whom you’ve never taken the time to get to know, strike up a conversation with a stranger, or approach someone who seems different from you
- Ask your loved ones for their opinions on topics you’ve never examined before together
- Eat something, wear something, or do something that is out of character for you just to see how it feels
- Let others decide on a plan: take a back seat for a change, go along for the ride, see what unfolds
- Challenge yourself to reflect and consider how you might do things differently the next time you face a recurring situation or task
- Make a conscious effort to pay attention to what is happening around you and within you – what do you see and how are you feeling about it?
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Cultivate the attitude of wonder – be ready to be surprised. Take notice of your environment, both internally and externally. See how it shifts and changes and be willing to act accordingly instead of relying on your usual assumptions about how things should go or should be. Be open to change – try something small to connect to the many possibilities that could exist if they were only allowed entrance into your life!
How Can We Be More at Home With Ourselves? Practice, Practice, Practice!
Anders Ericsson from Florida State University has studied experts in a variety of domains and come to the conclusion that what they all share is having devoted 10,000 hours to their craft. This research indicates that mastery requires not just interest, not just passion, but lots and lots of practice. Likewise with self-discovery. To be the master of your own soul, to bring your most heartfelt desires to life, you need to create opportunities for growth and you need to take full advantage of these opportunities to exercise your self-awareness muscles. So how do start putting in those hours? To get you started here are a few ideas for fostering active self-discovery.
- Watch a funny video on www.YouTube.com – think about what aspects of life you are taking too seriously and how you might relax, add laughter, and lighten your outlook
- Play with a pet – watch Fido fetch or Kitty playing with yarn, think about the last time you were totally engaged in something for the sheer joy of it and ponder how you might generate more of that kind of energy
- Compose a gratitude letter – reflect on the nice things in life, think about how savoring the good times helps put difficulties into perspective and serves as a reminder that there is more to life than hassles and problems
- Celebrate a job well done or a risk taken –pause and take a moment to feel pride in your achievement knowing you did it even if the outcome is less than perfect
- Examine your priorities – contemplate your long and short term commitments and think about the match (or mismatch) of these to what you value and consider how shifting some of them may allow you to live your life with greater authenticity and congruence
- Cultivate a positive attitude –increase your confidence in the face of adversity by accepting what you cannot change and choosing to be optimistic and enthusiastic about what you can
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Keep a journal in which you log your self-discovery practice, create an archive in which to file your development gains, and/or share with friends the growth related actions and insights you are experiencing. Establish a self-discovery routine – honor who you really are by “exercising” your uniqueness!
Moving Forward With You By Our Side
To our old friends, familiar with our blogging spot, we thank you for being there and here; to our new friends, read on, you’ll soon understand!
When things change it can be exciting, but it can also feel a little scary. What’s out there? What’s beyond this? We are never assured of an answer even if we are excited about our new path and have carefully planned our route. Maturity is realizing that this uncertainty is okay and just a natural part of life. Taking a new road requires hope, faith, and trust.
But before we takeoff in a new direction, we want to honor our birthplace. We’ve been fortunate to have a home at the University of Minnesota and our stay has been splendid. We’ve been able to examine many aspects of self-discovery. We’ve been able to pose questions and propose strategies for achieving a greater measure of peace and contentment. We have shared books and other materials that touched our lives. We have enjoyed the journey and have grown along the way. We hope that you have, too.
Now, we’re moving forward. Happily, we have a new home base and will be reaching out to you monthly via this brand new website! We thank you for traveling with us since 2008 and we look forward to continuing the conversation here at our new site www.selfdiscoverydigest.com.
We invite you to enjoy past Self-Discovery Digest posts on the LearningLife site as you will still be able to access them there: http://blog.lib.umn.edu/learning/selfdiscovery/
The following are some thoughts that have crystallized for us over the past three years of blogging:
- Life is endlessly fascinating.
- People are generally good and are trying their best.
- Letting go can be liberating – some situations are beyond personal control.
- Power and fulfillment come from aligning who you are at your core with how you are in the world.
- Healing and progress are always possible.
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Change is inevitable. Transformation is wonderful and yet anxiety provoking at the same time. Join us as we embrace this new direction. Partner with us as we grow and evolve – we wouldn’t want to blaze a new trail without you!
Elizabeth & Katherine
info@hirshworks.com
Our New Home
Welcome to the Self-Discovery Digest! We are Elizabeth & Katherine Hirsh. Our monthly blog is dedicated to exploring personal development and growth, aimed at encouraging people to live their best life possible despite the inevitable ups and downs of human experience. We’re so glad to have you join us!
